Midnight Hair Issues
by The Fiercesomest Dragon Ever
Summary: Oneshot. Involving Cloud's hair, a bottle of Vincent's shampoo, a plan by a certain Wutaian ninja, and a whole lot of unforseen difficulties.


It was a dark and stormy night. A classic beginning for a story; and since the night _was_ dark, and it _was_ raining cats and dogs outside the Highwind, it'll do for the beginning of _this_ story.

Cloud had been really bossy that day; doing all his planning, and discussing, and… and… okay, so he had been normal. But his normal was just too serious for his own good! He needed to lighten up a little, and Yuffie Kisaragi, ninja extraordinaire, knew just how to do it. His hair was just so… stiff… it probably put a lot of stress on his brain. So… in the wee hours of the night, Yuffie snuck out of her room on the Highwind. She crept silently down the hall, running through her plan in her mind. She would slip into Cloud's room, find where he kept his shampoo, (it was well known that he used 'Headlock: guaranteed to keep your hair looking stiff and spiky all day' mixed with a quart of XXXXX-tra grip hair gel), and switch it for a bottle of Vincent's 'V-Slick: for that sleek, vampiric look'. It would be perfect! (Plus there was the added bonus of seeing Vincent with spiked hair. Who could pass that up?)

She brought along a glass she had found in the kitchen to pour Cloud's shampoo into while she poured Vincent's into the bottle marked 'Headlock'. Then she could pour Cloud's into the 'V-Slick' bottle, put both bottles where they belonged, then sit back and watch the fun!

Yuffie held the glass in one hand, and the bottle of V-Slick in the other (she swiped it that evening when Vincent up to the deck to 'be alone with his sins') as she tiptoed down the hall. The rain pattered audibly on the steel paneling of the Highwind. Lightning flashed every now and again, but Yuffie couldn't see it; there were no windows in the hall. Soon she came to Cloud's door. She tried the handle. It was locked.

"Heh, no problem." She set the glass and the V-Slick next to the door and drew an old, expired Midgar Express credit card out of her back pocket. She grinned cockily, slipped the card in the crack in the door, and pulled it open.

"What the $&? SHUT THAT DOOR, You little #$#!"

Yuffie slammed it quickly shut. Barret could be so touchy. It wasn't like everybody didn't already know about him wearing his sailor outfit at night. Sheesh.

Yuffie picked up her 'supplies' and moved to the next door. THIS was Cloud's door. She counted quickly just to make sure. Third door from the end. Yup, this was his door. It wasn't locked, but the hinges creaked. She smeared a little V-Slick on each hinge, and pulled the door open without a sound. She paused a moment once she was inside to let her eyes adjust to the light. Actually, the room was lighter than the hall, (there was a small porthole above Cloud's bed); she could just make out Cloud's form breathing evenly under the covers.

"Heh, heh, heh. This is too easy!" Yuffie thought, slipping into the bathroom, "Alright, I bet he keeps the shampoo on that little shelf in the shower. I'll just- oof!"

She tripped over something lying in the middle of the floor, falling flat on her face. Miraculously, she didn't break the glass, and she still had a hold on the bottle of V-Slick. No harm done.

She started to get back up, but stopped when the thing she had tripped over moved. She turned slowly onto her back to try and get a look at the thing; however, it was pitch black in the small bathroom. She could feel it, though. It was furry.

"Red XIII…" she gasped. She held perfectly still; listening as Red stood up, stretched, yawned, turned around sixteen-and-a-half times, and laid back down – right on Yuffie's leg!

"Great." Yuffie thought, "What do I do now? This is just great. I'm stuck here until spiky-headed Cloud comes in to take his – wait. Why is Red XIII sleeping in Cloud's bathroom? Is he Cloud's shampoo guard, or something? Oh, man, my leg's falling asleep…" She shifted uncomfortably. Red stirred. "Oh, maaan… I've got to get out of this before Cloud finds out! Maybe I can get him to move without waking him up… Oh, wait." Very carefully, she poured the contents of the V-Slick bottle into the glass. She reached up and put it on the side of the sink. There was a clatter as the glass knocked a small plastic cup into the sink. Yuffie froze. Red didn't move. There was no sound from Cloud in the other room. Yuffie relaxed. She reached back as far as she could reach and grabbed Cloud's bottle of Headlock (thankfully, he kept it on the floor next to the shower, not on the little shelf thingy). She poured its contents into the V-Slick bottle (it poured verrrry slowly; it was so thick) and closed the cap tightly. She set the empty Headlock bottle near the wall. Knowing she would make a mess trying to pour the V-Slick from the glass to the bottle, she decided to take it into the bedroom where she might get better lighting from the… lightning? Ah, who cares! It's hard to be logical when you're sitting on the floor of some in the middle of the night with a big cat-thing lying on your leg. Anyhow, she had both hands free now.

Hoping to make him roll over, or something, she leaned over and softly tickled the large cat's ear. He flicked it back and forth. Yuffie sighed. She thought for a moment. A small lightbulb clicked on in her brain. She reached up and pulled out a strand of her short, dark hair. Leaning back over, she tickled Red's nose with it. He sneezed loudly, shook his head, and stood up. Yuffie inched backwards. She heard his claws click on the tiles. His wet nose collided with Yuffie's eye; she recoiled back, clapping a hand to her eye, and he slumped down on top of her.

"Grandfather… tell me about the evening star again…" he whined before conking out.

He weighed, like, two hundred _pounds_! Yuffie collapsed the rest of the way onto her back with Red lying stretched out on top of her. She was sprawled out on the floor, her right arm was caught under Red's left forepaw, and her left hand was still pressed to her eye. This was by far a more awkward position than before. She could just picture Cloud walking in, all sleepy-eyed, to find her and Red lying in the middle of his bathroom floor. First, his eyes would get wider, then his mouth would open. Then it would close. Then he would probably open and close it a few more times before shouting something like, "What the heck are you doing in my bathroom!"

What was Red doing in his bathroom? Yuffie couldn't help wonder this even as Red breathed right in her face, (he had the worst case of cat-food breath you've ever seen… well, smelled.).

"There is no way this could get worse." Yuffie thought, right before it got worse. Red sniffed a few times, and then started licking Yuffie's forehead.

"Oh, GROSS!" Yuffie tried to wriggle out from under him, but Red pinned her down and continued to lick. He seemed to think he was grooming a kitten, or something.

At that moment, a light came on. Cloud stumbled sleepily into the bathroom, dressed only in a lightweight, black T-shirt and black boxer-shorts. He scratched Red behind the ears, and staggered to the sink. Red, after the slight attention from Cloud, sighed contentedly, and sauntered off into the other room. Probably to steal his bed. Cloud didn't seem to notice Yuffie lying in the middle of the floor. He took his toothbrush from the cupboard next to the mirror and started brushing his teeth. After a minute, he spat into the sink, picked up the glass full of V-Slick, took a swig, swished it around in his mouth, and spat it out. He took another mouthful and gargled it, before spitting it out, pouring the rest of the liquid in the glass down the drain, and stumbling back into his bedroom.

The light flicked off.

Yuffie couldn't decide whether to laugh, or be disappointed. On the one hand, Cloud had just washed his mouth out with Vincent's shampoo, but on the other hand, now she didn't have anything to put in Cloud's shampoo bottle. She couldn't give up now! She would have to find something else to put in it……… what would be almost as thick as Cloud's Headlock, but could cause disastrous results? Her own shampoo was a lot thinner, and smelled almost overpoweringly of Wutaian herbs. Tifa's was too… flowery-smelling. She popped open the V-Slick bottle with the Headlock in it and sniffed. Ugh, this was definitely not flowery. It was more like… motor-oily… Motor oil would be too greasy to use. Hm… Maybe she should check the kitchen? Yeah, there could be something in there she could use, (more middle of the night logic).

Holding the empty bottle of Headlock, the V-Slick bottle full of Headlock, and the empty glass, Yuffie quietly crept out of Cloud's bathroom. She felt her way along the wall, searching for the door. "Where is it?" she bit her lower lip, still advancing slowly. Her hand came to the handle. "Aha." She stepped forward, and her foot hit against something. "What the – there wasn't anything here before…" she reached down and touched it. It was furry. "You've got to be kidding me." It was Red. He was lying right in front of the door! This wasn't a problem, though, because the door opened outward. Yuffie turned the handle and… it was locked. "How am I supposed to – how did he – AAAAGH!" Yuffie's brain threatened to run screaming through the Highwind. She tried to use her credit card again, but for some reason, she couldn't make it work.

"Okay. Calm down. Breathe deeply. Calming… down…" she told herself silently, "There's got to be another way out of here… somewhere." Lightning flashed, lighting the room for an instant. There weren't any other doors in the room. However, there _was_ an air vent! True, it was very small, and it was in the ceiling right over the bed so she would have to climb over Cloud to get to it, but heck, it was a way out!

She set the V-Slick bottle and the glass against the wall; she would get them when she came back. Very, very carefully, Yuffie climbed onto the end of Cloud's bed. She reached up and pried open the vent with a screwdriver she found on the floor. Now, the tricky part. She would have to jump up to get into the vent. If she missed, she could blow her whole plan by waking Cloud up. Yuffie calculated the angle for a moment, and jumped! She missed! Her head whacked onto the ceiling and seemed to stay there a minute before she dropped onto Cloud's bed. He groaned, "You'll pay for that… Sephiroth…", and rolled over, but didn't wake up. The plan was still intact!

Yuffie tried again, this time catching the edge of the vent and pulling herself up. She crawled carefully through the air vent in the direction of the kitchen. She passed the first vent, and dropped down through the second.

"WHAT THE - YUFFIE?"

"Oops! Wrong room!" Yuffie dashed out the door before Barret could think of anything more colorful to say. Sheesh, that was the second time tonight! Barret's room was like some kind of Yuffie-magnet or something!

Anyways, now that she was back in the hall, she could make it to the kitchen without interruption. And she did, aside from crashing into a support pole in the middle of the hall, (whose idea was it to put a pole there anyway?).

She flicked on the light in the kitchen. Scanning the shelves, Yuffie muttered, "There's got to be something I can substitute as Cloud's shampoo…" She thrust open one of the cupboards above the counter and started reading off the labels, "Baking soda, no… flour, no… oatmeal? Hm… nah, too many chunks." She pushed some things aside, standing on the counter so she could see, "Maple syrup… cooking oil… a tin of anchovies…" she paused, looking at the tin, "Expiration date: 4/15/1907. Gross!" She tossed it into the trash and resumed her search, "Olives, dried peppers, an old pack of firecrackers… Aha! Here we go!" Yuffie pulled out a clear bottle, grinning triumphantly, "Liquid starch," she read, "This is perfect!" She emptied the contents into the Headlock bottle, (it was thick, so it poured slowwwly), and added a few spoonfuls of Chocobo brand glue to top it off, (why the jar of it was in the kitchen, she had no idea). She screwed the cap back on. She was set! Now all she had to do was sneak the bottle back into Cloud's room.

Not wanting to make another trip through the ventilation system, Yuffie made her way down the hall, (watching out for support poles). Once at Cloud's door, (she paused and counted. Yes, this was Cloud's door), she slipped her credit card in the crack and pulled it open. Red was still asleep in the doorway, snoring softly. Yuffie hopped over him. The door swung gently shut behind her. It locked. Yuffie sighed, incredibly annoyed at the thought of another trip through the air vent, and went to put the Headlock bottle back in its place. She dropped the Headlock bottle in the bathroom, picked up the V-Slick bottle and the glass, jamming them as far into her pockets as she could to free her hands, and jumped up into the air vent. This prank had better work!

She moved through the vent until she was over what was probably Vincent's bathroom. She opened the vent and chucked the V-Slick bottle in, not bothering to find its rightful place. Vincent probably wouldn't notice anyway.

Emerging in the kitchen, she rinsed out the cup she had poured the V-Slick into and left it next to the sink.

Finally, Yuffie returned to her room, exhausted by the night's work. She flopped onto her bed and fell instantly asleep.

One hour and three minutes later, her alarm went off. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEE- CRASH!-eeep… beeeep….beeeeeeeeee- BANG! BANG! BANG!- eep…………..

Satisfied that she had put the clock out of its misery, Yuffie crawled back into bed and pulled the covers over her head.

Two minutes and thirty-five seconds later, Cid's voice came over the intercom, "BREAKFAST!" he called in the most irritating way possible. Or maybe it was just his voice.

Yuffie grumbled and rolled out of bed. She pulled on a clean shirt and pair of shorts and stumbled out the door towards the kitchen.

She slumped onto her chair at the breakfast table. Barret was seated across from her. He glared in her direction.

"I'm not even gonna _ask_ why you was in my room last night." He stated arching one eyebrow. He looked towards the door as (gasp) Cloud stepped into the room!

Yuffie expected to see his hair either limp, and hanging around his shoulders (or in his eyes), or standing straight up. All of it. It really didn't matter. However, as soon as he entered the room, she could see that his hair looked _exactly the same as always_.

"What the- Cloud! Didn't you take a shower this morning?"

He looked at her strangely, "Good morning to you too. What's up Yuffie? Do I smell or something?"

"Er, no. But did you?" Yuffie persisted.

"Yes…"

"Did you wash your hair?"

"Of course. How else would I keep it so straight and spiky?"

"Ah, man!" Yuffie banged her fist on the table.

Cid shouted from the kitchen, "Be patient, will ya! The food's comin'!"

"Oh well," Yuffie thought, "At least Vincent-" Just then, Vincent walked in. "His hair is normal too! AAAGH! M plan has exploded and gone down in flames in pathetic, second-rate-graphics style! I stayed up all night running around the Highwind for NOTHING!"

She must have said all that out loud, for Vincent, Cloud, and Barret were all looking at her like she was out of her mind. Oops!

"Did I hear someone say something's in flames?" came Cid's voice from the kitchen.

"If I didn't already know you'd been runnin' around the ship in the middle of the night, I'd be really nervous sittin' right across from you like this." Barret said, "I already knew you'd been runnin' around the ship in the middle of the night, an' I'm _still_ really nervous sittin' right across from you like this."

"…I was going to ask if anyone had seen my shampoo," Vincent said, glowering at Yuffie, "It seems to have been _misplaced_."

Red XIII walked in, stretching luxuriously before hopping onto his seat at the table.

"Alright," Yuffie said, "Since everyone already knows I've been sneaking around, I've just got to know. Red,…WHY THE HECK WERE YOU SLEEPING IN CLOUD'S BATHROOM?"

Red yawned before answering sleepily, "Cloud's room smells nice."

"WHAT?"

"Hm. I'm going to guess that you're somehow to blame for the weird taste I had in my mouth this morning. Yuffie, we're going to have a serious _discussion_ about invading people's privacy." Cloud said, fingering the hilt of his sword.

"I know, I know." She said, crossing her arms bad-temperedly, "'I could have you arrested for breaking and entering… If you do it one more time I'll whip you and leave you to the dogs…' blah blah blah."

She still couldn't believe her plan had failed. How was she supposed to have known that Headlock's formula consisted mostly of starch and glue? She couldn't believe it. And how could Vincent not find the V-Slick bottle? She had thrown it right down into his bathroom, how could he not-

The sound of angry footsteps coming from the hall derailed Yuffie's train of thought. The door slammed open, and Tifa rushed in, grabbing Cloud by the shirt collar and almost lifting him off the ground,

"IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF JOKE?"

"Woah! I – She- Yuffie-"Cloud stammered to angry Tifa. He gulped, "Gee, Tifa, your hair looks great all spiked up like that."

FIN


End file.
